My name is Marty Kaan, and I'm a management consultant.
We need to get them on the tit.
That's what we do. Suck, motherfucker, suck.
Every week, me and my team go somewhere and talk people
into thinking they really, really need us.
Be expecting a call from my lawyers.
I want custody of Roscoe.
You know, with this potential merger coming up,
all of our asses are on the line'? You...
are the only reason that this merger exists.
He's going to want to shove you out without a parachute.
You're gonna get me some cover on that, right, Skip?
Why the fuck would I do that?
I'm not concerned about MetroCapital. You shouldn't be,
unless you screw up.
Pfizer has a $10 million account with Galweather.
Oh, I'm sorry-- had.
You lost that account.
Still don't know what it is we do'?
Hmm. Then I guess we're doing it well.
Sir, I'll take those.
The recruiting event.
Every year, Galweather Steam flies out
the cream of Harvard Business School's crop
to taste a bit of the good life.
The summer homes.
The $1,000 bottles of wine.
We whet their appetites with the spoils of our victories,
and after we're done, after we're sure they've been
good little boys and girls, we send them on their way
hoping and praying that their names
will be added to the list, hoping that one day,
they will be standing right here.
God, is that Skip?
Motherfucker knows how to make an entrance, huh?
Marty, what are you even doing here?
Yeah, I thought you said you'd rather
get jerked off by Edward Scissorhands
than come to this thing.
I did say that, didn't I'? -Hmm.
Yeah, well, I'm here because Airwolf says he needs me.
Okay, why does Skip suddenly need you
at a recruiting event? Well, with the merger
on the table, he just wants to make sure Marty's
going to be a good little soldier. -Hmm.
Okay, wait a second. ls the merger definitely happening?
Yeah, really, do you think we should be worried about it'?
Guys, guys, listen.
I'm here because this event
is all about convincing the prom queen or king
that we're the ones they want to fuck.
And the best way to do that is with
the high school all-star quarterback,
not the AV club.
You, by mistake, lumped me into the AV club,
'cause you know that's not me.
I played a little high school ball.
Kicker? -Why does everybody shit on the kicker?
'Cause, honestly, we get tackled, too.
Uh, no, you don't. -Oh, really?
If there's a shitty snap, that's me on the floor.
Here they come.
I think we found your prom date, Mr. All-Star Quarterback.
I think we have.
For me, it came clown to three real schools, you know'?
There's Yale, Wharton and Harvard.
Now, I chose Harvard because it's...
Only three schools? -Come on.
A bright young man like you? I don't believe it.
I'm going to borrow her for a second. Is that okay?
Sorry.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
See'? That's why I hate these stupid things.
Yeah, I'd rather get fingered by Edward Scissorhands.
Hey, James, I think
I found the bar.
Not James. -Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
I thought you were... -Yep, wrong black guy.
No, it's not... there's somebody...
It's all good. -Oh. Okay.
Okay.
Marty.
Like you to meet...
James, my brother.
Oh, you two know each other? - Uh, yeah.
From the meetings. -The... the meetings?
Black people meetings.
I didn't realize that that was an actual joke.
That's funny. -James, I want you to meet...
No intro necessary. This is Marty Kaan.
I'm a huge fan, sir.
I didn't know consultants had fans.
Jealous? -Marty does.
I thought the innovation engine you set up for ZCorp
using the Five Pillars approach
was, like, nothing short of revolutionary.
Oh, thank you.
He's a rebel.
Okay, well, uh...
I'm going to press some flesh.
All right. -Excuse me.
Probably thinks we're going to start talking
in Ebonics now. -Oh, fo' shizzle.
Yeah, boy.
No, ma'am.
Hello, fellow HBS-ers.
HBS-- that's Harvard Business School.
'Cause fuck if they're going to waste
their valuable time saying that whole thing.
Welcome to my home.
The reason you've all been asked here is simple.
You're the best at what you do.
You stand out in a crowd.
You... are... elite.
Jesus. You'd think he was the one
that brought MetroCapital back from the brink.
Where did you hear about that?
Told you I'm a fan.
What am I talking about?
I'm talking about one of the core values of this company.
The motto of our alma mater.
Veritas. Veritas. Veritas.
Truth.
That... that...
that is our North Star.
Thank you.
I just find the whole prospect
of life after grad school to be so...
daunting. -Daunting.
Exactly. -Yes!
Can I borrow him for one second? -Wow.
Sure. -Thank you so much.
Hey, man, this is really important.
Sure. -You're welcome.
Uh, for what? -I hooked us up with two
of the wait staff girls for tomorrow night.
Oh... no. -Full disclosure: your girl's fucking heinous.
What? Clyde. -She's heinous, but seeing as
you haven't gotten ass in so long, I figure
heinous vagina is better than no vagina at all.
Am I right'? You know what I mean? -Yeah, you are right!
Don't high-five that. -Where's that hand been?
Can I please talk to you for a second? -Yeah.
Excuse us. -Cool. We're going to go for a walk.
Okay. -Cool.
Okay, so...
Well, could you please not talk
to me like that in front of these people?
No, I think I'm going to keep doing it for a while.
Clyde, I am probably going to end up
mentoring one of these kids.
I'd really prefer not to be associated with heinous vagina.
I am sorry.
Thank you so much. - I uh... Shit.
Do you want me to cancel the date?
I can do it in two seconds.
Did I say cancel?
No, I just... not in front of these potential recruits.
I get it. You don't have to say any more.
You want these people to respect you.
Well, yeah, that'd be nice.
Yeah, maybe impress one of the partners...
Yes, that's my plan, and you should be thinking Yeah.
About that, too. I am, but I have not found one person
this entire party that has a shot at getting on that list.
Okay, well, you're wrong“ they all have a shot.
And you're basing this on what?
Clyde, do you have any idea how hard it is
to get into Harvard'? -Now, that's the school that you went to?
That's right. -Ooh, fuck, I think I have some idea, right'?
Look, I admit it that some probably need a little coaching
on their networking skills, but that's
nothing Doug Guggenheim couldn't fix.
Doug, are you throwing down'?
You know what? I am.
Are you saying that you can coach
anybody here onto that list?
Any single body, yes.
Let's go for a walk. -Okay.
Come here for one second.
I want to introduce you to someone.
Is it Will? Right? Will?
Will. Will Davis. -We met before. Clyde.
This is my friend, Doug.
Hello. -Do me a favor.
Just show him real quick
why you think we should hire you.
Because, Doug, I can make this company...
money.
So you obviously understand all the wizardry.
What else you want to know?
Everything else.
I want to know everything you know, Marty.
Oh, is that all?
I want you to, you know, fill in the gaps--
the stuff they don't teach us in B-school.
Um... okay.
You meet a prospective client-
what do you do'?
Okay. Um, you establish a personal,
respectful connection based on a common interest.
Well, you know, that's a perfect answer, James,
and it is exactly what you would do
if you're in the 99% of consultants who are white.
Okay. Okay, so what do I do'?
You gauge his reaction to the fact that you're black,
and then you use that to leverage.
We had a guy once in Vermont-- CEO.
Never met a black guy in his life, okay?
He was so scared of being racist,
he just did whatever I told him.
"Uh, sir, you really need to stop
making camping gear and move into titanium dildos."
"Oh, of course, Marty.
That sounds like a great idea."
You know'? Just fuck that PC pussy, right'?
Endless afterwork.
Exactly. Okay.
Okay, so what about if it's the... the opposite?
If you got David Duke? -Exactly.
Well, then, you just smile
and let the other guy do the talking.
We are here to open wallets, not minds.
Yeah, well, hope you're paying attention.
You can learn a lot from this gentleman.
Absolutely.
Not too many guys
who can cost you a $10 million account
and still be worth keeping around,
but that's Marty. -You're making me blush, Skip.
You mind if I steal young James here for a second?
Some important people I'd like him to meet.
Sure. -Yeah?
Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet a new recruit of ours.
This is James. James...
So, finally, it just got to the point
I said to the professor straight-out,
"if I show them to you,
you think you could stop staring at them in class?"
That was such a good story, about your boobs.
Um, I have a real question though.
Sure.
Imagine you...
tied a rope around the circumference of the earth.
And then you add
three feet to that rope.
How far off the surface of the earth is it'?
You want me to do a case right now'?
I just want to see how you think.
Take your time.
I'll be back.
Having fun?
Not as much fun as you're having.
Oh, poor Marty.
Must be so hard to have your ass kissed all night.
What is this event about?
Fucking the prom queen.
Well, for you, it's about getting some face time
at the grown-up table.
Now, do you want that?
Yes.
Want to make partner someday?
Yes. -Yes.
Then you need to start kissing the ring.
Or whatever else you want to put your mouth on.
That's lovely.
Wow.
Powerful businessmen huddled together smoking cigars.
It's good to see we're fighting the stereotype.
Don't make me sorry I invited you, Jeannie.
I mean, you guys should stick with it, really.
It should go better for you.
Are all the recruits invited up to the sanctum sanctorum
or just James?
I mean, that's my favorite thing about Galweather.
You know, you guys will come up with something revolutionary,
like, uh, like Marty Kaan's brilliant
ZCorp innovation engine, and then a year later,
you're not beholden to it, you know
when it proves itself to be obsolete.
I mean, most companies will stick with something like that
even if it is past its prime,
because it's unique to them.
But no, you smart motherfuckers,
you realize when it's time to move on into the future.
Kid's good. -Yeah.
Let me ask you something. -Mm-hmm.
What about your future?
I mean, let's just out to the chase.
See a future here with us?
Skip, I could definitely see that.
Marty.
Yeah?
Just telling James here how he reminds me
of a young Marty Kaan.
You know, I remember when you told Nick Cannon
the same exact thing.
Who the fuck is Nick Cannon?
I have no idea. -You remember Jeannie Van Der Hooven, right?
Of course I do.
Hi. -She has been
killing it for us this year.
Here, come, join me.
James, could I borrow you for a second?
Oh, yeah.
You don't mind, right, Skip?
Yeah.
I'll leave you two to get acquainted.
Marty says such great things about you.
He does?
Okay, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Okay, come here.
Come here.
All right, um, okay.
See that guy over there in the blue checked shirt?
Mm-hmm. -All right, that's Stuart Anderson.
He's a partner.
Went to Yale.
I want you to tell him that you wish
you'd gone there instead of Harvard.
I know that's ridiculous, but he will lap it up.
Okay, but...
And-And remember, Will, under no circumstances...
No magic, I got it.
Oh. What about, like, a tiny bit of magic?
No-- Oh, here he comes. Come on, come on, come on.
Ah, Stuart!
Stuart Anderson, I'd really like you to meet
Will Davis.
Hello, Will. -Hi. So Doug tells me
you went to Yale.
Kind of wish I'd gone there myself.
He's...
Really? Why is that?
Well,
I hear it's a beautiful campus.
Mm.
And that their business school
is really improving.
Nice meeting you. -Likewise.
Doug, pleasure as always.
Stuart, I...
"Doug, pleasure as always."
That didn't seem to go well.
Just me?
Felt really good to me, Will.
It's fine. It was fine.
I will do better on the next one.
You know what, um, on the next one
let's-let's try one where you say nothing.
Okay. -Okay? And I'll do the talking
and you just follow my lead.
If I was you... -No, no, no.
Don't-Don't say anything. Let's just go.
Do you know any card tricks?
I know lots and lots of card tricks. -No, no.
No, no magic. -Now is the time.
Bartender, two Johnny Walker Blues, please.
Two? -No, thank you. I'm good, thank you.
You're good'? What, you religious or something?
No, but I...
You heard Skip up there.
Offer's on the table. Come on.
Celebrate, baby.
It's even good when you chug it.
Do that again. -No.
Uh, make mine a beer, thank you.
No, you don't want to put beer on top of that.
So sorry to interrupt.
Um, can I see you for a minute'?
Yeah.
Be right back.
So how is the wine business?
Oh, it's not a business, Marty.
It's a passion.
Passion that pulls in seven figures a year.
That's pretty passionate.
That's the lawyer who handled my custody hearing.
He's the best in the country.
Give him a call.
How did you...
You really think that the two top consultants
in the business can gear up for a custody war,
keep it a secret?
Well, it's not gonna come to that.
Could.
And if it does, I'll destroy her.
Great.
But give him a call, please.
Okay?
Yeah, okay.
Appreciate it.
I wish, I wish that was all I needed to talk to you about.
Pfizer?
Yeah.
Okay.
I fucked up.
Bad time to fuck up, Marty.
'Cause this merger's going through.
It's official.
Since when?
I just found out.
I think Skip has been keeping it quiet,
'cause he's afraid that when you found out,
you'd make some waves.
And he's got the votes.
He told you that?
He didn't tell me shit.
Because he knows I've got your back.
But, Marty, this merger, this is happening.
That assholes up there right now grooming my replacement
with all the subtlety of a fucking jackhammer.
Marty, you don't want this merger to happen, do you?
Hell, no.
So what are we gonna do about it'?
Oh, my-
Okay.
Oh, yeah, this'll work.
This will work!
Yes, sir.
Just wanted you to get a good look at this
before you consider other offers.
You've had those, right'?
Other offers?
Yeah.
So what are you thinking?
I'm thinking, um,
that there's a hell of a lot I can learn from you.
Sounds like you made a decision then.
I guess so.
So, what is this, my signing bonus? What?
You know what?
With the kind of moves that Skip's gonna make, about a year,
everybody in the company's gonna have one of these.
Hey, Marty, tell me the truth.
You really respect the guy'?
No.
He's a racist piece of shit.
You know?
But, big picture, Skip Galweather
really is a fucking genius.
Oh, that's funny?
Marty, you know I've met the guy, right'?
All right, motherfucker.
You read The Wall Street Journal in a couple weeks, you'll see.
Oh, yeah?
What'll I see, Marty?
It's not obvious?
Holy shit.
The fucking MetroCapital merger's gonna happen, isn't it'?
You know, you're too damn smart for your own good, James.
Welcome to the family.
Skip Galweather.
The man that's about to make us all very, very rich.
Now, see, that's that inner pucker I'm talking about.
You keep that shit up; Skip loves it more than I do.
The inner pucker?
Let it bubble. -Let it bubble'?
And then let it out. -And then let it out.
Okay. Yeah, no.
I'm gonna keep looking at you A lot more.
And thinking what... -Hey, Beth.
Okay.
Sorry we got interrupted earlier.
Um, you can go ahead and answer that hypothetical now.
This is so embarrassing.
Jeannie, we're kind of in the middle of something.
Give it a rest, Clyde. She's not gonna sleep with you.
She may.
I'm sorry, have I done something to insult you?
No. No.
I'm just interested.
Because... being charming and flirtatious
and having those "fuck me" eyes,
it's an asset
in this business.
And would I just like to see if it's your only asset.
I'm gonna back up a bit and let the women talk.
I'll give it to you again. -I remember the case.
The rope-- it's about six inches off the surface of the earth.
Here's how I got there.
The diameter of the Earth equals the circumference divided by Pi.
So add three feet to the circumference,
and the diameter increases by three divided by Pi,
which is approximately one foot.
Since the diameter is two times the radius,
you divide that by two,
ending up with about six inches all around.
I'm impressed.
That's 'cause my girl's got skills.
See'? It is possible
to be attractive, charming and smart.
But as far as the "fuck me" eyes go...
...I guess they're just genetic.
Oh, shit. Jeannie, that's gotta hurt.
Fuck off, Clyde.
All right, all right. I gotta get something.
I'll be right back.
Hey, Beth!
Hey, Beth. Hey, hold on, hold on.
Thanks for helping me with that answer.
Of course. Are you kidding me?
Look at her. She's like the Terminator.
She won't stop till one of you is dead.
You're funny.
I'm hilarious. You got to spend time with me.
What about tonight'? I'll take you out
to all the L.A. hotspots. What do you think?
Oh, my God.
You are seriously the cutest.
I know.
Thanks again.
What... the fuck just happened?
Ah, just the man I wanted to see, Grant Stevens.
Um, Grant, this is Will Davis.
I thought you might want to meet Will
because he actually lived in the Hollis dorms.
Really?
That's right. -So did I.
What'd you think of Hollis?
He loved it. Absolutely loved it. Couldn't get enough.
Look, Doug, maybe you should let him speak for himself.
Sure.
Hollis was great.
You join any of the clubs or...'?
That's a good question.
No.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna go
Well, you know, I was approached to join
the Hasty Pudding Theatricals... -What an honor.
...but I decided to focus on my studies.
Oh, too bad. -Good for you.
Those guys are the worst.
In what way? -I know, right'?
They're just so fucking theatrical, right?
Jazz hands. -Be-be-be-be
Well, it is a theater group. I don't know what you expect.
You know, they all think they're the shit
'cause, like, Jay Leno came
and spoke to them one time.
Oh, brother. -Two times.
Get over yourself.
You know, Doug here was a member
of the Hasty Pudding Theatricals.
Yes, correct. -Oh, shit, really? -Yeah.
That makes total sense.
Which part makes sense?
You're just, like, such an obvious Pudding guy.
Hey, wait a minute.
Do they still do that thing
where the female roles are played by guys in drag?
Yeah, it's so creepy. -Isn't it'? Ugh!
Just uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable to look at. - I know.
I always hated that. -Admit it, Doug.
There are pictures of you somewhere
wearing a dress, aren't there?
No. No! -There's a few, aren't there?
Come on. -No. I only played the male parts.
Oh, sure, you did. -I did!
No, Grant, I only played the male parts.
Shut up, Doug.
What the fuck is happening? -Shut up.
You know they wear man thongs?
What? -No...
What?! -To hold everything in and up.
Come on. -While they're dancing.
Wrong again. -Who does that?
It's called a "dance belt."
Just FYI.
You know what? I have a buddy with access
to the Pudding photo archives.
Oh! I bet we could
dig something... What's your last name, Doug'?
You'd be wasting your time.
Guggenheim.
Great.
Guggenheim him. -Guggenheim me?
People, he's Guggenheiming.
My name is a verb now? -Guggenheiming it.
How'd it go up there?
Pretty good. We had an orgy,
and now I'm your boss.
Good.
What are you doing?
I'm just waiting for the fireworks to start.
In T minus five
four, three,
two... Light the candle.
Merger'? Who told you that?
Uh-oh.
I can't trust you.
You hear a rumor, and then
you just walk around and just spit it right in my...
You know what? Take a walk.
Take a walk!
What was that about?
I don't know.
I don't, I don't know what just happened. I...
What? -He told me to go fuck myself.
I mean, I congratulated him on the merger going through...
Whoa, whoa. Where did you hear
that the merger is going through?
Yeah. That's, that's news to us, James.
Who told you that?
You... I... You set me up'?
Huh?
You fu... you fucking crab-barrelled me?
James,
you asked for my advice, right'?
I mean, you... you fucking begged for it.
Well, I just taught you the most important thing that I know.
You never, ever trust anyone...
until you know their angle.
And now you know.
Now I know.
Thank you for the lesson, Marty.
I'll be sure to take it over to Kinsley
where I'll be working with your ex-wife.
Ah, that's it. That's the spirit.
You have serious issues.
I know!
So, so wait. At the end
of the Hasty Pudding show, they do what?
I can't believe we're still talking about this.
Just give me a minute, Doug. -They call it the "kick line."
This year, 12 sexy bumblebees lined up,
high kicking, high kicking.
Which is not easy, so, uh...
That's great. -Hey.
Have you met Will'? -Sure.
Yeah, and what do you think?
Oh, he's fantastic.
Oh, yeah, we're having a great time. -This guy'?
He's fantastic. Fantastic. Real connection here, Clyde.
Oh, what are you talking about? -Oh, you know what?
I don't think we have time.
I think they're pulling the cars up.
They're pulling up... -We have time. We have time.
Wait a second. This might be my buddy at school.
And... jackpot.
You know what? -Before you say anything...
Grant, come on. What is it'? Let me see.
The Harvard Crimson described
my performance as "disturbingly accurate."
Stop, stop. This is it.
This is the best moment of my life. -I like you, Will.
I really like the way you opened the kimono
on Doug's journey line.
I want you to meet Skip.
Okay. Who's skip? Come with me.
Can I get that phone back(? -No, I'm gonna keep it.
Okay, thanks.
Before you say anything, I won the bet.
Yeah. -So I won that bet.
Sure, right. -Now how does that feel?
Ah, it's a mixed bag. -We're out.
Hold up. -No!
Can you look at this?
Just one second. Just check it out.
Look at it for real.
Oh.,,!
You can't drink that away.
Hey, what time are we heading out tomorrow?
We're not, Doug. -What?
Heinous vagina bailed. -Why?
Turns out she's not into cross-dressers.
Are you serious?! Why did you show her that picture?!
I didn't show her anything.
That shit went viral so fast. -No, no, no...
You can't stop a picture that perfect. -Come on.
You can't stop it.
Oh, my God! Great. -It's not funny.
Have you seen this yet?
Would you stop showing people?
It's pretty cold what you did to that kid.
Yeah, maybe I should have just given him a case to solve.
Oh, don't even compare those two. -No'?
I'm concerned with the quality of people that we hire.
You are concerned with getting outshined.
Yeah, well, that must explain why
I'm such a big supporter of yours.
That's shitty, Marty, even for you.
Jeannie, don't fucking get all... Hold on a second.
Hey, there he is!
The man with the plan.
Sorry, Marty, I got a client meeting in Palm Springs in 30.
Hey, what about that shit that kid was running'?
That was crazy, right'? -Nothing's official.
No, but when it is official,
I'm sure you're gonna let me know, right'?
You'll write it clown on a piece of paper'?
Like, maybe a pink slip?
What do you want me to say?
The truth, Skip.
The truth? -Yeah.
The merger's happening.
Okay? How's that?
And any chance that you had of saving your ass
with K. Warren and MetroCapital
went down the drain with Pfizer!
That sober you up'?
I'm sorry, Marty.
Really? You're sorry?
Yeah, kinda.
Don't worry, Marty, you'll land on your feet.
Fo' shizzle.
Last part didn't sound sorry!
It's Marty.
For you.
Oh. Give me.
Hey, Marty-
Hey. Did I wake you up'?
No. No problem. What's up'?
Listen. -Uh-huh?
I wanna gut this motherfucker.
And I wanna look him right in his fucking eye
when I'm doing it, too.
Uh-huh. Hey, calm down, calm down.
You know what? Actually, you know what?
This, this isn't such a great time.
I'm gonna call you tomorrow.
All right, okay.
What did he want?
Nothing.
Is there anything going on
with this merger I should know about?
You're gonna know when I know.